“Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day

“It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.”

“Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.”

“If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.”

“Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.”

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

“Facts are stubborn things, but statistics are pliable.”

“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

"Every time I read Pride and Prejudice I want to dig her up and beat her over the skull with her own shin-bone.”

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

“Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.”

“Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.”

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”

“Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”

“I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

“Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.”

“Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.”

“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

“If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.”

"History never repeats itself but it rhymes"

“The government is merely a servant―merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.”

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

“what is joy without sorrow? what is success without failure? what is a win without a loss? what is health without illness? you have to experience each if you are to appreciate the other. there is always going to be suffering. it’s how you look at your suffering, how you deal with it, that will define you.”

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.”

“Obscurity and a competence—that is the life that is best worth living.”

“Out of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.”